Esmeralda

Got a question that even Oprah wouldn't touch? Have a topic that would make Jerry Springer blush? Don't feel shy with Esmeralda Malvada and Signor Guadalupe Oreja. We are here to listen to your stories, thoughts and questions and we will respond with as much thought provoking careful insights as humanly possible... Don't be afraid. Our response won't hurt that much, when the stinging pain goes away, at least you will know the truth... Love, esmeraldamalvada@gmail.com

martes, 26 de junio de 2007




"A man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment….It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience…a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body. " - Ayn Rand

lunes, 11 de junio de 2007

It is in conduct that a tyrant differs from a king, not in title....

I love you,


Esmeralda Malvada,


I'm a single divorced guy from the US of A. I've been faithfully following you since I discovered you exist in late April. I love you. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I love you, I love you, I love you...


Daniel P. Mahalic Jr

domingo, 10 de junio de 2007

Thank you...

Dear Esmeralda,

I've been reading your magazine/blog now from the begining. You are always surprising me, one letter you seem to laugh at a man who's wife has cuckolded him, the next letter you are getting wet over foot fetish talk. But the reason for this letter is that on June 07th, 2007 you responded to a desperate lady in KY. I expected you to really give it to her and totally run with the Howard Stern schtick you and Signor Guadalupe have. Instead, you were the kindest, sweetest Dear Ann Landers type of a woman. I miss Ann Landers after she passed away, but I have to admit, you stole my heart with your understanding response back. You reminded me why I love my husband so much and how lucky I am for having him in my life. Have a wonderful life Ms Esmeralda...

God Bless You,

Mary

Darling Mary,

Thank you for the lovely letter. I hope you continue reading my letters and responses. You too have a wonderful life,

Kiss kiss,

Esmeralda Malvada

jueves, 7 de junio de 2007

In Love or In Denial....

Dearest Esmeralda and Guadalupe,

Hello from Louisville, KY. I'm an a 47 year old Southern gal who stumbled across your magazine/blog. You are a very funny woman Esmeralda, my kind of woman. Signor Guadalupe; you are a good hearted man. I bet you look like Mr. French from "A Family Affairs" with the late Brian Keith. You seem so sweet and articulated, are you sure you are a homosexual?

The reason for my letter is that I wanted to get your opinion. I am very very much in love with one of the "Good Ole Boys" type of a man also from Kentucky, actually Lexington, KY. My darling 51 year old boyfriend is named Kent. Kent and I have been dating on and off for about 2.5 years. The problem is that I am in love with a man who claims he loves me, but he says he is not "in love" with me. He says he loves me a lot.

I'm not getting younger Esmeralda and Signor Guadalupe, what is your advice in as far as a Southern Maiden is concerned? Do I turn up the Southern Belle heat; wear shoes to bed and sexy long nails, make up, etc? Do I play hard to get? Do I flirt with his friends to create a sense of jealousy? I'd love both of your opinions and await with total anticipation.

Unsure In KY


Dear Unsure in KY,

If your man cunt, I mean Kent doesn't recognize you for your love no matter how much you say you love him, there is a deeper problem than wearing higher heels, longer eye lashes and bigger better blows jobs. There is nothing in the world more bombastic than when a man tries to change his woman. I hate the men who try to make their women get bigger tits because she doesn't look like a Pamela Lee Anderson. I hate the men who feel that a woman's place is at home or that her significance is relevent only to some culture that pre-dates the dinosaurs. Babydoll, you don't have to change, not now, not ever... Remember, there is someone special for everyone.

Most Sincerely,

Esmeralda Malvada

Dearest Unsure in KY,

Well to answer your question in as far as me being gay, I'd love a huge cock in my ice cream sundae, does that answer your question on my sexuality? As for Mr French on Family Affair, you are dating yourself with that television show, and the fact that I know which show you are talking about dates me too. No my friend, I don't look anything like Mr French.

I've been thinking about your letter all week and I must confess I need to set the record straight on my thoughts. The term "In Love", it sounds all well and good, but what does "In Love" mean to me? It's not meaning you love someone who doesn't love you back the way you want to be loved.

To be "In Love" two people gay or straight have to have mutual feelings for each other. To be "In Love" means one person says I love you and the other person wants that love and reflects back the same "I love you". This implies "In love status". To love someone who doesn't love you back can not be construed as "In love" I write silly answers to a lot of these letters, but I seriously want to set the record straight. Ms Unsure in KY, you are not "In Love". You may love Kent, but he doesn't love you back. Consider your time left on Earth, do you want to be in a relationship settling for good when there may be great out there? Use Kent for what he is capable of giving, but understand when you grow in love, not fall in love... you won't need advice from us to answer your heart.

Warm Thoughts for you,

Signor Guadalupe Oreja

miércoles, 6 de junio de 2007

Sling-A-Ding-Ding...


Dearest Esmeralda,

My girlfriend has the sexiest feet in the whole world, they're a size 8.5 and I love buying her shoes. The problem is, my girlfriend asked me to buy her "Sling Backs" for work. She said if I pleased her, I'd get to suck, kiss and lick her professionally pedicured sweaty stocking feet when she got home from work. Esmeralda, what the hell are "Sling Backs"?


Dumb Founded in Colorado


Dearest Dumb Fuck, All you had to do was type "Slingbacks" into your Google or Yahoo search engine and Viola! Your query would have produced a plethora of images. Here is a picture of a classical pair of the perfect "Slingbacks". I hope you don't buy your girlfriend cheap shoes and make yourself look like a "Payless" cheap bastard.

Esmeralda

Dear Dumb in Colorado,

For the best shoe shopping online; with free over night services (most of the time) , go to www.zappos.com The web site offers 10s of thousands of shoes and a more articulated search engine to exact your shoe specifications: shoe size, width, heel height, shoe color, shoe material, shoe genre, for example a "Slingbacks" or "Thong Sandal" or a pair of cute "Red Patent Leather Mary Janes" etc... Also, just for the record, "Slingbacks" is one word, not two words. This should help in your Internet shopping spree.

The web site is fun, easy to use and very inexpensive. Zappos.com has a free return policy where you can print up a UPS return label on your computer. They even have a couture shoe department for hard-to-find designer shoes. Lastly, www.zappos.com is a shoe fetishist or shoe aficionado's dream come true. They even have handbags and sunglasses to entertain your online shopping spree.
Cheers,

Signor Guadalupe Oreja

viernes, 25 de mayo de 2007

Hmmmmmmmm, a man who calls himself "Smelly" from the UK offering a webcam performance; what to do, what to doooooooooo?

Ms Esmeralda,

do you like pathetic sissy boys Mistress? i have a webcam and will be honored to perform in front of You and keep You amused...

Smelly from the UK