Cum. It does a body good.

Dear Esmeralda,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have a great sex life and now my boyfriend is telling me that I should blow him every night and eat his cum. He's says it is very nutritional and more healthy than my Lean Cuisine diet frozen dinners. Is he right? Is eating his cum a healthy source of nutrition? Am I being stupid?

Lock Jawed in Ohio


Dearest Cock Sucker,

Tell your boyfriend to give you a rim job every night to satisfy his sweet tooth for dark chocolate. Next he'll be telling you to use his cum as a Night Cream. I'm no Nutritionist, but I can tell you I've never read about about cream pies in the Atkins Diet handbook.

Esmeralda

Dear Lock Jaw,

In this age of calorie and carb counting and required nutrition labeling on foods, everyone wants to know exactly what's in what they're eating. And of course, if you're going to eat cum, it's no different. Unfortunately, it's hard to find exact nutritional data for semen, but here's some information to help you figure out how cum fits into your balanced diet.

What's in SemenObviously, semen contains spermatozoa, but sperm accounts for only a small percentage of spunk. Cum is 90 percent seminal fluid, which is composed of dozens of chemical components. The base of seminal fluid is primarily fructose (sugar) and proteins, with many other trace minerals and substances.

Here's a listing of some of semen's ingredients:

Sugars: Fructose, sorbitol, inositol
Proteins and amino acids: glutathione, deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), creatine
Minerals: Phosphorus, zinc, magnesium, calcium, potassium

Vitamins: Ascorbic acid (vitamin C), vitamin B12, choline

Hormones: Testosterone, prostaglandins

Body byproducts: Lactic acid, urea, uric acid, nitrogen.

Is Eating Cum Healthy? Healthy semen (that is, cum produced by a well-nourished, disease-free male) may in fact be not only safe to eat, but actually good for you. Seminal fluid, the base of cum, is a veritable nutrient-rich soup. Semen is a source of highly concentrated, high-quality protein. In dietary terms, it's comparable to egg whites or gelatin. Besides protein, semen contains high concentrations of some minerals, such as zinc, and trace amounts of other important nutrients, like calcium and magnesium. While you shouldn't depend on a shot of cum to get your recommended daily allowances of vitamins and minerals, swallowing semen on a regular basis can't hurt as a dietary supplement, so eat up Lock Jawed in Ohio...

Signor Guadalupe Orejo